There is something that can feel so unsettling between us and our beloveds when something arises, and we are shown something outside of what was previously known between us.
Some of that may arise as shocking to our system, and we may genuinely be tested as to how we hold ourselves through the next few moments.
How we show up here is crucial in how we move forward or take micro movements away from our beloved in any given moment.
Staying connected is important to maintain somatic resonance, which helps to regulate the nervous system. There is a connection between two. One of the two who are dysregulated can impact the other. Both dysregulated can amplify the distortions arising and contaminate the field between the two.
What we can know is that there is something present that wasn’t there before. After that, the mental mind-field of possibilities and meaning making starts to speculate.
Can we observe it without any thoughts or emotions about it? Can we equally let it go, like a picture on a screen that was once there and no longer available? Letting our own presence and breath drop us into a subtle choice to “not care” yet staying in the field of care, knowing it present regardless of choice. Detachment. This allows us to observe, allow, and stay in the field of connection without tension.
If we cannot stay present to it as a witness and our emotions kick in, can we sit with what is arising within us without generating more with them? This often means not letting the mind start a momentum of thoughts and being present to the sensations of feelings arising. Can we observe the sensations arising, the quality of them (intense or light), the movement of them (frozen, radiating), and be with them until they dissipate? You can allow yourself to totally detach from the outer experience while tending and staying close to you. This deepens connection with yourself. It also allows us to be closer to what is behind the story that the mind wants to generate as the “cause” of the emotions. This helps us to stay in connection with both ourselves and the field of the other, not making fault but allowing and being with what is organically arising.
If we cannot sit back and are fully pulled into the story of what we observed, can we invite ourselves to a break. You can command yourself (to be still). To stop thinking.
It is better to stop the momentum early than to let it escalate and become chaotic and decontrolled. Although whatever arises will always be “okay”, the damage we can create to our sense of self-respect and the cleanup of emotional over spilling, might not ever allow you both to return back to the state of union as before the spill happened.
More work then becomes required for repair.
This way of decontrolled thinking can lead to lots of projections of feelings of unintegrated pain: blame, shame, guilt, and accentuation of and other who was a minute ago, your beloved.
You may be able to control your emotions and still have a very rigid posture about your perception being right, thus your beloved, wrong. That can feel very uncomfortable to your beloved who may have no clue about what you are perceiving, the story you are connecting with, whether childhood or recent past.
This is important because what you are connecting to, what you are believing, might have nothing at all to do with your beloved. And in my experience, it mostly does not. It belongs to the experiencer of perceived pain.
To be able to catch ourselves early in a relationship and test the intimacy waters of connection, to be able to talk about the stories we are believing about the other and put them on the table of sacred mutual witnessing, can be some of the biggest challenges yet blessings for the sacred journey that lies ahead of you both.
To continue to challenge your perceptions with the light of awareness, your own inner communion deepens.
With both of you showing up cultivating the purification of inner awareness, the capacity to deepen grows exponentially and expand infinitely.
To live growing inside, while the outside flourishes, is the desire fulfilled. Connection, communion, union and the mystery within the question: Who am I (who is perpetuating this unchallenged story that I then am destined to live out because I give my vital life force to sustain its reality?).
We just need to care about ourselves and the other as God cares about us. The relationship sustains itself in the holy field of love.
If this feels difficult, you are invited here: www.integratedsoul.com
Together, we can.