In relationship with another, including friendship:
There is such a thing as choosing to not come close to either yourself or another in curiosity of what is arising.
Sometimes the greatest harm can be not doing anything when right action would suggest something, anything, to demonstrate some sort of movement towards verses away from the other.
Or worse yet, no movement at all, giving the feeling that one is doomed to stay stuck in this state forever (or at least the inner experience of what feels like forever which can feel just as lonely).
Although this is left to individual interpretation and understanding of "right action" the desire to be known by another; seen, honored, respected as our own fully capable sovereign being, is inherent in what it is to be human.
This seems to include that another also knows our hurts, our joys, our boundaries (morals/ethos), our mind, and be able to change and adapt with us, and sometimes that in and of itself is challenging.
Especially if we don't even know ourselves yet. And when do we actually know that we know that we know ourselves fully?
How do we bridge the pain of not being met, feeling like an island unto ourselves? Neglected, abandoned, discarded, exiled and repeating the original wound of our parental lack of meeting us, those unknown yet present needs only to have them repeat again and again while in relationship.
Hoping that this time, this moment, this person, unlike the last, will be able to meet the one in us who is feeling so deeply isolated.
And what if we are waiting for another to meet us and they are on/in their own island of self-isolation? Would we know? Would we care that they too are under resourced, needy and meeting us with the same desperation to be met when they hurt?
When was it written that we are “suppose to” have the tools and resources to show up perfectly in each situation to "meet" the other, especially if we are so unaware of ourselves?
And how many of us demand that when we are hurting, the other show up, often needing to sacrifice their own process and feelings, to come closer to us. And we think there is freedom here to respond appropriately if a "no" is not a possibility?
I see the crux of wanting to have closeness and yet the unwillingness to meet ourselves first.
We speak about sovereignty and yet are held up by what another is doing or not doing to make us happy. Often equating happiness by some standard that we ourselves cannot meet within first yet demand that the other does, calling that personal sacrifice love.
And the unquestioned mind, our own personal mind, which tells another how they are thinking, how they must be feeling, what is going on in the other without checking in whether its right, or even kind.
Could we actually know, within the universe of connections that the mind makes, where exactly any one person is in their space/time to make such claims to their person? Then to create a story about it that we are sure is true, and try to resolve it within our own being?
Can I see the drama being created? We are so sure that the way we see and experience the world is how the other must be experiencing it, only to perpetuate the feelings of isolation and abandonment when we discover that they don’t.
And get upset about it, also holding the other accountable to our self-created drama.
First bringing empathy to ourselves, the one in us who is hurting and trying to empathize with that one, is the bridge to all else.
The expectation that another shows up for us under any circumstance denies us gratitude for when they choose to do so. The freedom to choose their experience in any way they would like to within their own sovereign right to choose, is the same right we allow ourselves equally.
So then moving this outside of the idea that another needs to be involved to generate lack of understanding and empathy is our own realization that the responsibility lies on and has always lied on us to parent our inner children, letting every person remain completely free to have their own experience.
We somehow seem challenged by this idea that we are the ones we are waiting for. But if we want to use the word sovereign, it has inherently freedom by its definition. This means we carry our own cross. This also means we invite others to see and carry their own.
And by being empathetic and understanding to the struggles of others because we have known our own, we generate more of the same.
We understand as well, that we cannot carry that cross for to do so would deny another their own sovereignty to choose how to walk with their burden and would create a distorted responsibility to help save them in some way versus honor them, their power and their walk as a human being.
Ultimately if we can build a bridge into our own inner spaces of disconnection, we stop our own seeking outside for the savior.
If we can be a bridge to another, we extend empathy and understanding while relating to what is arising for holding.
It is not anyone’s responsibility to fix or heal another. It is violent to even consider that we would have that kind of power over another and dishonoring to ourselves to perpetuate the idea that all are broken and need to be fixed.
Letting God be God, ourselves as an extension as such, allows us to be in the flow of life versus opposing the flow.
We grow closer to understand that there are themes we all share together as human beings, and we choose to allow God to be responsible for life. We deepen in empathy and understanding of our human trials and tribulations and if another cannot show up for our little one, we understand that was never their job, it was ours and we seek out resources that allow us to bridge the connection with a sober joy that we are stepping into the unknown.
Our parents didn’t know how to do much of this, our partners do not know how to do much of this and why would we demand ourselves to be able to do this?
Tending to our understanding and empathy towards ourselves and the little one who is present in us, allows us to then be a bridge for that while being with others who do not have those resources.
To let others off the hook to relate to our own inner child, pain, suffering is to understand that not only that they might not have the tools either, that to make a story about love meaning sacrifice, then to place the burden of responsibility on them to heal what you are unable to do for yourself, is just as unjust and violent. How could a mutually understanding and empathetic relationship continue under these unjust conditions?
Sovereignty is not just for you and not another. To integrate these into being we must heal the facets in ourselves that demand of others what we are unwilling to give ourselves first, freeing others to be themselves. Equally, they were always free, and often playing into the same unconsciousness that everyone else perpetuates by demanding that loyalty be one sided and often to the one who considers themselves “the victim”.
Consider here that the real victims in this case are the ones who say yes to another who is unwilling to meet themselves first, the victimizer often holding the relationship itself hostage to its unmet demands and distorted loyalty to the pain versus meeting the one who hurts and building a relationship there.
Indeed, the little one is not malefic. And the adult with unmet childhood pains, either. Yet the deepest understanding and empathy we can offer seems to be pointing others back to themselves, the origin of their pain which never belonged the other to begin with.
It is our joined humanity that feels the burden given to us and understands the “sins” of our forefathers has made an impact on us individually. In understanding we can stop trying to hold them accountable for what they could not and cannot give, assuming what they should have been doing versus acknowledging their own human limitations.
The unrequited love, the burden of the depth of that unmet longing for completion is now ours to hold, each individually. In responsibly showing up and choosing to be a “transcender” of the seeming burden we have been given, we start to responsibility look inside and give ourselves what our parents couldn’t. And that can feel painful to open to places that our parents couldn't open to, either.
We also hold the same vision for our brothers and sisters to know their completion and perfection, without limiting the time it takes for them to assimilate it.
Children have no malice. Distorted beliefs generate more distortions. To understand and empathize within each relationship while maintaining mutual soul sovereignty. As much as that freedom may hurt and challenge us to complete ourselves, it is what is true, we are all born free.
How do we maintain that freedom for all if we make demands of others that violate the freedom of their being to make their own choices? Would we like the table to be turned and us to meet ourselves with that same demand when we are unable to show up or even simply don’t want to?
The simple answer is that no one has that power over us unless we give it. And holding a relationship hostage to unjust demands when one exercises their freedom is just as unloving and unempathetic, showing a real lack of inner relationship and void of connection to our own selves. What do two empty, disconnected people create and generate with their demands if they cannot connect and be with the source of their own hurt empathetically?
How do we hold all sides of this seemingly desperate longing for connection?
We see we show up for ourselves and start being the change we wish to see.
If we don’t know how to, we reach out for support, yet still understanding it will be our own responsibility to discern what is best for ourselves.
We feel our feelings. We hold the space that others don’t know what they are doing either.
And yes, we feel our feelings.
And our growing self-awareness of the connection between the body and the mind, allow us to start feeling the indwelling of Spirit stronger where we can start to let go of the mind, mental concepts of limitation and trust ourselves to our own care, the perfection of all including the limitations and joy to be witness to life.
Deepening in witnessing the arising, we let go of worldly limitations of what is socially acceptable, and we open to a larger sphere that all is acceptable, and the limiter is the one who determines the value of the limitation in which is acceptable, too.
Understanding and empathy are part of the human and the indwelling spirit allows the freedom to be conscious of this or not, at any given moment, for any reason because free will is actually free, and completely loveable within any form of its manifestation as such.
Can we be THAT understanding and empathetic, first?