Consider that to make yourself right at the cost of making someone else wrong is to not be fully aware of the inherent conundrum together called “being human”. Both individuals are seeing from their point of view, with all the reasons validating why their point of view is correct. And for each person, it is correct. That’s an important acknowledgement.
Both have their reasons for seeing things the way that they do and the make sense to each person within their field of awareness. Each person is processing through a whole lifetime of making sense, connecting relevance with other relevance, discerning information, and formulating ideas and concepts. Each person is making sense of their awareness. The question in the inequality of perception between two people where subtle competition arises to find what is “right or wrong” versus both orientating to allow both to be right even if seemingly wrong. This is where a bridge becomes an important metaphor for union. If we knew that there was an invisible bridge, or we could create one by intending connection to the other’s point of view that allowed us to cross from ours to the other, understand where they are and coming from and then go back across the bridge to our own, we might have a different experience within our own individuality. To consider “right” without considering “wrong” is to hold an unequal posture of superiority, one over another versus with another. And holding a posture doesn’t allow flow between, like a bridge, to go back and forth and freely consider another point of view. It obstructs life and creates an island unto oneself. The obstruction generates an isolated point of view that lacks creativity to connect with other potential sources of expansion, that can allow for more generation of ideas and possibilities beyond what is known. This is akin to being on a hamster wheel thinking we are creative while having the same perpetuation of thoughts without stopping to consider that we’ve been around our whole mental sphere and nothing has changed. The outcomes continue in the same way. We don’t even consider stopping the movement to give space so as to allow something new to arise. How many times do we take ourselves to know the truth, and then that of another? I cannot express how many times people are so sure they are perceiving correctly from within in my mind, telling me what I think, where I am coming from, what I am feeling, what my motivations are without considering that they might not be correct.
Without considering that the way they see the world outside of them may not be true…at all. And the reality is that often, the vanity of the mind is so sure that they are correct that they not only create a story about me, but live it out as if they are right, what they project as true is, and motivate themselves to validate their own perspective all on their own. The story of other: I am the world they have self-created and believed to be true. And despite the pain it can generate, that there is no desire to see something outside of their unchallenged beliefs, because of the confidence in their story, the internal drama, lack of real inner peace and the pain of living all of that as a victim to their own unquestioned reality must be kept alive at all costs, there is no actual relationship with ME that is happening. One of the biggest pains is to be told who we are and through the other’s eyes, trapped in their misery, unhealed past trauma and made to be in the image of brokenness. Am I who you say I am? How do you know? If you are not questioning first the source of those thoughts in yourself, what is the relationship that you are really having? It isn’t with me. It is of your own creation, and both of us are impacted by it. Can you see what you see in me, in you first? Without your own buy into it’s value as true, how did it come to be? For the longest time, that was my core wound, judgement that creates separation. This was perpetuated by people who claim to love me, love God and often felt so complex that the simplicity of love was often overlooked. Even the simplicity of loving God with All and to love another as God loves us. Being so hyper-sensitive to judgement and resulting denial of love towards me, generated a sort of management of the environment for any kind of emotional dysregulation perceived outside of myself. This defense mechanism would allow me to come towards the one I perceived as angry or upset so that I could try and harmonize it lest be later bullied by it. To be the victim to another’s reality and the pain of that victimization within my own innocence felt so deep and cutting, separating and unrequited, unjust and deeply lonely. It generated the later questioning: How could we create such certainty about another without getting into “their world”, too? And in time I would take that question to heart and seek it out within.
Is what they say about me true? I would find that initially, it would take some work, but yes. I could often see it or find it. Such a good question for reflection yet without understanding, I was groomed early to look for disconnection in myself that wasn’t actually there. I hadn’t yet seen that it was others disconnection in themselves that lead to how they projected their own disconnection and longing for connection to those aspects as of yet. I would find that the more I created connection by really identifying with the pain with the other’s distortion, the more distorted I felt. In time, it exacerbated feelings of real injustice to the purity I felt inside. The anger within the question deeply felt: Who was this “other” who had so much power to tell me who I am or what my motives are? As Carl Jung stated, “If you stare long enough into the abyss and the abyss starts to stare back.” Well in my case, that was true. I started to see many ugly things from love. And because out of unconscious and unacknowledged fear, I started to create a pattern of looking to validate the broken versus the wholeness I am. The wholeness that we are. Power in relationship started seeming unbalanced. Their way of seeing things seemed to often trump my own, unconsciously using the power of their deep emotional disconnect from themselves to lure me into unconscious patterning: tending to them first so that later my needs could be met. My longing to have what I had never had, increasing and the desperation to meet any and all challenges projected by the other so as to have that which I desire, also increasing. And instead of respecting individual ways of showing up and finding love there amongst the chaos, together, it seemed to always lead to an unconscious struggle for the inner child to be heard, seen, valued and respected as its own sovereign being, devoid of drama that the child was so used to navigating through for her needs to be finally met.
The repeated experience of two adults relating often turning into unseen trauma resurfacing as the inner child of one or the other starts to take center stage, projecting the same wound of childhood into the field created space of love with the expectation that this love care for the little one and often disappointed that there is no parent willing to hold it. The deepest wound resurfacing: No one home to care, at all. And the longing for connection becomes a buried hope that it would ever be completed…by the other. Once I could see enough of these painful dynamics resurfacing, as what the other was completely unavailable to look at , take any ownership to their old stories and pain projected out and being made the one who is creating their experience, a victim to their own unhealed mind, and also know myself as all of that too, I could leave the field. I was complete dating anyone perpetuating the idea that I would in any way bring malice, abandonment, neglect or intention to harm, so I was able to wake up to a larger pain happening. My own suffering at the hands of the beliefs I had convinced were true from the brokenness around me. The years of trying to understand others, their pain, their suffering, their disconnect, their inner drama projected onto me, their unseen or owned childhood trauma and why had left me moving so far from my own center of love that on some level, I felt distant from the person I knew myself to be. I felt angry, disappointed, deceived, abandoned, neglected, psychologically gaslit, abused and the tougher discovery was when I realized that I did all of this to myself. I allowed it all. And I saw that others did this to themselves, too. And the depth of pain generated by not owning their own distorted beliefs (often stemming from childhood and unexamined thoughts that brought pain).
Non-negotiable boundaries became paramount to a relationship with myself in how I chose to show up in the world. A sacred Yes at the center of my sacred No. I learned that my power in saying no to what was not aligned was also a Yes to what was. And I stopped flirting with any ideas that I could hold an ambivalence about either. The power is a choice which directs flow. The process of reclaiming of all of myself while simultaneously letting it all go. How do we really know ourselves? The journey into my own homecoming is what is life and being a bridge unto myself. What if we just became bridges to each other, inviting each other to know us without fear of being overtaken by the other, being wronged by the other, being made “bad” by the other and allowing the other to experience what is in our own island while also allowing their own experience to be part of ours without owning what is arising between the two? You are an island unto yourself…and you are also a door, the way, a way maker and an invitation to know, to understand and to love ourselves as God loves us and to love another as God loves. There is no person to take it personal unless you want there to be. This “person” believed as more real than not, creates the idea of individual. The bridge is an idea that creates movement towards what is already true, union. To know ourselves deeply IS to know another. Not only as form identity and the specific trials or tribulations but in essence, what is hidden behind form and still available for those who have eyes to see. Our pain is known by the one who feels the pain. So, if we are open to knowing another as ourselves, we are also open to the experiences brought to by another as ourselves but not ours. A paradox, an unfolding and an invitation to be a bridge to know your neighbor as yourself and not yourself. There is no fear in equality. So why not build/be a bridge?